Videos and transcripts of speeches by famous people, past and present, real and fictional
Posts tagged Hugh Gallagher: 1

Hugh Gallagher: College Application Essay

Hugh Gallagher is an author and musician from New York. While in high school, he won a national writing contest in 1990 with a satirical college application essay.

The essay starts with “I am a dynamic figure”, and ends with the line, “But I have not yet gone to college.” The essay, which he did apparently submit to some colleges, has become an urban legend.

Hugh Gallagher’s website is at http://www.hughgallagher.net/neurofuzzy/essay.html. A video interview from the Wall Street Journal can be seen here. or below.

The audio is of part of the speech only.

Hugh Gallagher:

(Not in audio): I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

(Audio starts here): Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

[gplayer href=”http://speakingfrog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/hugh_gallagher.mp3″]Click for audio of the author reading part of the essay[/gplayer]